$hit like this is why I might be clinically insane.

Okay, so this blog isn't Kirb Appeal. Because I am not always appealing. Sometimes I act like the kids I'm supposed to teach, which mostly makes me annoying. But I have a feeling I won't be teaching middle school much longer, so it's fine. (If you know of any job openings for has-beens, let me know.)

In another quest for financial incentives (or "kickbacks," as I like to refer to them), our school system superintendent has mandated that each teacher MUST teach 10 minutes of physical education a day. We can squeeze this in "at our convenience." If you teach a tested subject, as I do, it's never convenient. But I have to cram it in there anyway, along with "CareerStart" (kickbacks circa 2006) and "Learning Focus" (Paying Kickbacks Since 2007!). None of these have any actual bearing on my subject (English/Language Arts), but it doesn't matter. Someone, somewhere, who probably knows somebody, is having his hand greased because he has told teachers they need to implement more crap into their day.

And the "kickback du jour" is Physical Education.

Now don't get me wrong--I think it's really important for kids to exercise and I like getting physical. But I am not now, nor have I ever been, a physical education teacher. I teach kids to read and write, not run. And I really don't have time (or the knees) to run with kids. But whoever is getting this money was thinking. He knew that teachers were going to plead ignorance and/or poverty when faced with this mandate, so he has supplied us with VIDEOS!

These are not just any videos, folks. These are not old Jane Fonda tapes or yoga DVDs or even the "Dancing With the Stars" workout. No siree! These are videos of students doing excercises! Exciting, right? 10 minutes of exercises like stretching your hands over your head! And touching your toes! WhooHoo! I can hardly stand the excitement!
And after ten minutes 'exercising' to a video that not only didn't get me sweaty, but didn't increase my heart rate at all, I decided that if it was mandated that my students exercise for 50 minutes a week under my tutelage, we were really going to exercise MY WAY!
(No, Pete, that doesn't include a pole.)

And I began to hatch my evil plan.
I'll keep you posted.

Please see below...

http://georgelakoff.com/2011/02/19/what-conservatives-really-want/

A Lady Who Knows She Is Fifty...with apologies to Mr. Nash

Painfully, poor Kirby wakes,
Feels the sun with terror,
One erratic step she takes,
Trembling to the mirror.

Poor Kirby in poor Kirby's sight
Is old and gray and thrifty;
Forty-nine she was last night;
This morning she is fifty.

Cruddy like a sleepy eye,
Like the blanket, musty,
Kirb lets out a noisy sigh,
Because she feels so...rusty.

What Color is My Parachute?

I was seriously hoping it would be rosey apricot or periwinkle, because those colors look really good on me.

But it wasn't that kind of a book.

In my quest to find a new life, I borrowed a copy of What Color is Your Parachute from our downtown library. (I use the downtown library now that I'm in the city. No more 'burbs for me. I left the suburbs when I ditched the Volvo station wagon.)

The subtitle of the book is "A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers," so I thought it would give me some good advice. I was wrong. Instead, it made me feel, well....useless. Washed-up. More than halfway to death. Seriously, there's a whole chapter on "50+" and how employers will think I'm old and boring. After all, why would I bother to switch careers now? Why don't I just keep plugging away at what I've been doing, even though I am philosophically, intellectually and morally opposed to what education has become? Can't I just keep going a few more years?

The answer is no. And if you don't think I'm good enough to do your job, you're wrong.

So...it's not just me?

Before this blog begins in earnest, I've been doing a lot of reading and researching. Some has been both productive AND fun, which is always cool. One of the things I've done is invest some time reading "chick lit," which is not my first choice of reading material, but I wanted to take a look at whether or not they could hold any interest for an old-timer like me.

One of the books is Candace Bushnell's One Fifth Avenue. First of all, I need to make something clear: as I once told someone, I am not a "Sex in the City" person. About the only thing I have in common with those women is my affinity for cute shoes. The rest? Not so much. So I wouldn't pick up Ms. Bushnell's novel unless it was (a) on sale, and (b) for research. Fortunately, it was both.

I didn't so much dive into Ms. Bushnell's book as I did wade into it--hoping to uncover the secret to an amazing life full of martinis and Manolos. Instead, I found something I already have: discontent.

They say that authors write about things they know. I'm not sure that Candance Bushnell knows of discontent, but she sure does write about it in One Fifth Avenue. Many of the characters are in their forties and beyond, and they have a lot to say about age. One says, "Life gets boring when your middle-aged. You can't keep doing the same thing. You look like an asshole."The same character later says, "It's extraodinary, getting old. It's as hard as people say."

When the same character states that he doesn't want to hurt the feelings of another, the other character states, "I'm forty-eight years old. My heart's been broken for about forty years."

And here's one that I really love: "...he sometimes wondered if these larger fears masked the smaller and less worthy fears that drove everyone in his world: the fear of not making it, of being left behind, of not utilizing one's skills or potential or advantages to the fullest."

What I don't understand, and maybe it's intentional, is that all these characters are male. The females are strong and secure and know what they want and they go after it. I want to know how these (albeit fictional) women got this way.

Why is Ms. Bushnell not writing me an instruction book?

More of the Same

I applied for another job yesterday, and was given the whole "wish you success in your endeavors." I think this can be translated into "thanks, but no thanks."

Job Interview #1 - Should have been suspicious when they held it at a mall.

I decided to go out on a limb--a really loooong limb--yesterday and audition for a new segment on a local television station's morning show.

So did hundreds of other people.

(And yes, I'm well aware I don't have the hair for it.)

Anyway, I thought it would be a good experience, just so that I am in practice for the spring. Although I have applied for various jobs throughout the school system, they are LOUSY about contacting teachers, even to let us know our application was received. They usually end up hiring someone from an adjoining county--in an effort to keep the teachers from getting into jobs where they can actually talk about classroom needs. This is just my opinion, but it is widely held among my colleagues.

I didn't even make the first cut, though they did film me briefly for a segment about my 8th graders writing letters to this particular station about why I am the perfect candidate for the job. It's supposed to air next month when they advertise their new hire.

Meanwhile, I'll continue to practice interviewing and keep on keepin' on with Kirb Appeal and its various auspices. Stay tuned for more adventures of the new thirteen.